No Turning Back

Over the next couple weeks i started to make a different kind of scrapbook. This was more like a journal. The kool- aid voice was right, i had never read a real book. In fact i didn't even know the difference between fiction and non-fiction.
When i did go to the library or book store i wandered around until i found a book with a pretty cover. Then i would read the inside flap and if the book didn't hold my interest in the first couple of paragraphs i just put it back.

I know alot of you really successful writers will just think of me as uneducated and shocking and maybe even vulgar, but when you were going to college and getting your degree i was home having babies and making diner.
And before you say" well what about elementary school" in that hands to pearl necklace kind of way. Let me say just this, im the oldest of seven children in a Latin family. This means while most kids were in bed until their moms woke them up for school, i was up at 5am making my fathers lunch for work and taking care of my brothers and sister while my mother was in the hospital having another sibling.
Remember im the oldest of 7, this also meant i missed alot of school.
By the time high school came the kool-aid was being served.

More determined than ever i did not let this stop me, in fact i was all the more hell bent on doing this writing thing. So with my journal in hand i made a list of likes and dislikes.

The Universe Finally Speaks

I was sitting in bed one evening, cutting up magazines and working on the scrapbook of my life, still not quite sure how all this was going to happen.
But that wasn't my concern,i knew the Universe was shifting and turning like a giant rubics cube to put me in the best possible position for opportunity.
My scrapbook was way past picking out the basics, i had designed my new home, the location,and its interior. I even choose the people i wanted in my life and erased the people i didn't!
OMG! Did you hear what i just said? I erased the people i didn't want in my life...You have no idea how mind blowing this was for me!
I didn't kill them, i didn't wish them bad, i just erased them.
My retail job, co workers, family members, all peacefully gone, erased!
I think the last time i played  this hard with my imagination it involved Barbie dolls. But looking back i had a great imagination.
I had invisible friends, i spoke and had complete conversations with my dog, and even built  a tree house with my brothers where we named it the "Jupiter 2" and explored space and had alien filled adventures.
I don't know when it happened but i drank the kool-aid.
This potion makes you forget completely who you are and you just blissfully go through life fulfilling the dreams and aspirations of others.

Well NO MORE!
I turned on the television and channel surfed. On a back channel there was a "Sex in the City" marathon, Great i needed more fashion tips for my scrapbook.
It just so happened that it was the episode where Carrie Bradshaw was trying to decide who she was and how she wanted herself to be portrayed on her book cover.
I laid there thinking how marvelous it would be to just write down all your snippy little ideas about life and have them get turned into a book, and get paid for it!
I sat straight up in bed, like i had been shocked.
I knew this was the sign i had been waiting for! It was the universe speaking directly to me.
Just like "The Secret" said it would.
How could i be so sure you might ask?
Because the very next thought that came into my head was,stupid girl, you cant write, you have no time for this, you've never even read a real book, and the books you have read have Fabio on the cover!

Oh, i knew that voice well, i had heard it all my life, it was the voice of the kool-aid.